I freaked out in my therapy session. I guess things aren't going so well. Things are productive, but there is a lot going on in my head I guess. School is going well still, I think. I don't know. I'll find out on wednesday when I get another grade back.

I'm worried about my therapist. She's having to reschedule because of doctor appointments again. She's known for five years that she has Multiple Sclerosis and was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I don't think she's doing well. Right before my appointment I heard another therapist in the office ask her, "how are you?" she had just called me into her office and was about to shut the door. "I'm not... I'll tell you later." I know it wasn't meant for me to hear so I didn't ask but I can't stand it. I need to know because I am imagining the worst.

I keep praying and praying and praying. I know God will take care of everything, he always does, but my humanity keeps me worrying.

 I'm going to ask her tomorrow. She did say I could ask whatever I wanted last time she had to keep rescheduling appointments.

I just need her so much. I love her so much and I know that she loves me. I truly truly believe that. I believe it because one time she started to tear up when I was crying. I'm so blessed to have a therapist who really cares and really believes me. That is one of my biggest fears- is having someone who doesn't believe me or doesn't really care. I don't want to be just another client. I want to be a person, a human- not a thing that's part of a job and I really really don't feel that way with my therapist. She hasn't given me any reason to think that so I worry for myself of losing her.

But I worry about her too. I researched a bit about multiple sclerosis and it sounds like a horrible horrible horrible disease. and to have that disease on top of rheumatoid arthritis has got to be so painful. No human, no matter how many evil choices they make desurves the kind of pain I have researched upon- but especially my therapist. She is so caring and loving and just... I don't know. I know this is easy for me to say because its her job to help me, but I truly believe that she treats everyone with the same quality and care because she truly knows how to love and she truly knows what her job is about.

I really don't want her to have to go through so much physical pain and the mental pain of having to deal with so much distress- on her part and other people parts.

so, I don't know. I guess I'm just really worried. If you guys could just shoot up a prayer of healing for her I'd really appriciate it. She's such a good person. The world needs her and I need her and according to me, she doesn't need to be in so much pain.

Thanks so much.

Love,

Jacqueline

Thank you all for your sweet comments. I will get back to you when I get a chance.

So much has been going on lately. I keep wanting to break down, but I simply can't. I'm so angry. I'm angry about my therapy meeting. I was telling my T about the binging and I said something about bringing the food up to my room but not coming back down for more, and she said, "That sounds like it's planned!" She said it in the sort of shocked and discusted tone.

I didn't say anything. I guess I was trying to figure out if it was planned or not. Really, it isn't. I try everything possible to not give in: take a bubble bath, read, journal, go to sleep- and finally I can't take it anymore. I go down stares and just grab whatever is there. I don't sit there and think, "I could eat this, and this and this, and oh! It will be a feast. I'll have some of that too and mix it with- NO. That's not what's happening. It just happens.

After the pause she said, "so you go down and carry your loot up with you?"- "yeah, I guess you could call it that."

WHAT?!

What am I saying? It's NOT loot, it's filth and its discusting and its gross and I hate myself for it!

Oh, God, will you please give me the voice to tell her what's really going on?

Why didn't I speak up?

uh. On the bright side, I haven't binged since I last saw her.

Thank you for that strength and blessing.

Amen.

1. - I've been super stressed out since Friday. (Its only Sunday! I can't believe it!)
 
2. - I received a message via facebook and had two missed calls from E (the girl who massaged my friends about my eating disorder on facebook.) The poor thing is really carrying my burdens and thinks I'm going to die. I changed my facebook photo settings so that no one from Remuda Ranch can see my pictures or picture comments and sent her a message telling her I'm turning to my family and treatment team for support. I told her that the best thing she can do is give me to God. I said I hoped and prayed she could have peace with this and trust that I am okay. I also said that I am afraid she is carrying my burdens.
She said, "Well obviously they aren't doing a good job." (don't worry, you ARE doing a good job.)
 
3. - I'm really stressed over who E sent the messages too. I've talked to C(the girl who confronted me about E's messages to her) and E let out a lot of detailed information about me. She also used a rude and angry tone with C.
I'm:
 
a. worried who else she's sent messages too
b. worried about how much they know.
c. grateful I'm loved and cared about by her, but stressed that because of her actions there is a bunch of gossip going around.
d. yesterday I received a lot of messages from people who are "just thinking about me and wondering how I am doing." "have been having me on their heart lately and wondering if there is anything they can do to help." "been noticing my weight loss and just want to make sure I'm eating." "wondering what's up and are curious about my health " "want to know if I'm going back into treatment" "ARE YOU OKAY?"etc etc
e. I also received a card in the mail Friday and another card in the mail on Saturday, "just making sure you are taking time to care for yourself."
f. I have received about 6, "you are losing too much weight" and "you need to eat more" comments in the past two days from different friends etc.
g. I am grateful people care and so many people want to help, but its really just stressing me out and causing me to feel more alone than ever because those who are trying to help are assuming things and acting like they understand when they don't.
 
 
4. I at two more Fiber 1 bars after I sent you that email. I also chewed and entire pack of gum. I noticed that the fridge was empty of Diet Mountain Dews and I don't even remember drinking all of them. - If I did drink all of them then I drank about 12 cans. yikes!
 
5. I really really really really really really really really etc etc etc am afraid to tell you this. I really don't want to tell you but I don't want to end up back where I was either. I just am... well losing it. I bought diet pills and took some yesterday and this morning. I'm really afraid of all the stress eating I've been doing and even though I haven't gained more than a few ounces, I'm still afraid. Not so much of the weight gain, but because I know it's unhealthy weight gain.
 
Friday a friend told me, "you need to eat."
"oh, Joyce, please don't worry. I am eating."
"Well, you need to eat more."
"If you knew how much I was eating- you wouldn't worry."
"Well, good, so eat more."
 
I changed the subject. "I have your birthday present, but I think I'm going to get you a little something else."
"oh don't get me anything- don't spend any money."
"Joyce! Please let me love you! I WANT to get you something"
"okay, well, bake me some chocolate and eating for me."
(She has a chocolate allergy)
This only made me stress and feel like binging more and more. This is what happens when I feel pushed and I've been feeling pushed A LOT. I don't know how to deal with this.
 
6. I have been thinking and I would really like to talk about what you see as proper portion sizes for meals and snacks. I have my Remuda plans and portion sizes, but I think its hard because I feel like if I follow the rules from Remuda Life, I'll end up weighing/looking what I did at Life.
 
This is mostly scary because I realized that I did/do not trust my dietitian from Remuda Life. She didn't listen to me or take into account what I was telling her, not to mention I feel like she lied to me. I'm not sure if this is necessary or not, because I was still binging at Remuda Life.
 
7. I am feeling so angry lately. I'm angry at my History teacher, E and even at my family today for certain reasons. I'm angry I've receiving so many comments about me needing to gain weight etc." I'm having a really hard time not stuffing it all down. I wrote it out and confronted people but it has changed nothing. I believe I was pretty blunt and obvious. I used the skills I learned at remuda:
 
"When you____, I feel____ and I need _____ because (optional)______"
 
What I say is just disregarded and I don't know why. What am I doing or not doing? How can I get my needs across to people?
 
I'm going to discuss this with Lisa. I guess I just want you to know so you can understand? I don't know how much you need to know or not.
 
I feel out out of control right now with stress eating. I AM out of control with these situations.
 
I just feel so:
inadequate
insignificant
misunderstood
unheard
the center of attention but unseen
disregarded
unwanted (but wanted by children)
disposable
used and wasted
helpless
out of control
overwhelmed
stupid (but smart in some areas)
unfocused/distracted/dazed
and of course ANGRY and AFRAID and SAD.
 
I feel so unreal and life seems so unreal.
Its like I care and I don't care at the same time.
 
 
okay. that's it. I wish I wasn't so messed up. I feel like I'm really a workload.Thanks for always running over and thanks for showing me your care.
 
Love,
Jacqueline